Right So, um, I have looked up the five stages of grief on my phone, and I’m going to be going through these as they pertain to my experience getting a divorce. I am two years post-divorce. And, you know, that actually isn’t accurate. It will be two years in August, but I’m two years post-separation ending in divorce So, so I was actually going to look up the five stages in order as I was talking to you, but then I started going through the five stages, and I realized that the whole process of grieving my marriage, it actually began in the middle of my marriage. The reason why I want to share about this topic and the reason why I want to talk about this is that I really felt alone. I mean, I felt intense loneliness, I felt desperate, and I felt hopeless. Essentially, I’m writing this article to share my own story and hopes that it can offer some hope and alleviate some of that burden of going through this process alone.
First Stage of Grief: Denial
So stage number one in the five stages of grief is denial. All right, so I was married for five years, somewhere in there. I think a little over five years technically, because it took us eight months to get a divorce, it had become apparent that things were not going to change. And because I come from a religious background, and again because of my personality, you know, I had to make the life that I had been given work, and that meant ignoring the fact that I was so unhappy and trying to kind of brush that under the rug, we vacillated back and forth. And then during these interim periods where we were working on things instead of working on things, I feel like we were just in denial, and we just kind of figured out this weird existence of living together. I was. I went through this party phase that I feel like was very detrimental to myself to my loved ones, Ella, for about six months. I mean, that was kind of a long stage for me. And I kind of went in and out of that stage for a while.
Second Stage of Grief: Anger
So the second stage of grief is anger, kind of going through these stages of grief. I feel like we show the sides of ourselves that are not true to our personalities because we’re going through the screening process. I just I, you know, I started to do things that were totally out of character for me, you know, that.
That is a dangerous place to be. It was a dangerous place for me because I have a little girl, and at the time, she would have been almost four. Well, she would have been three and four when I was going through the stage, and our home was this kind of toxic environment for her, and we were not happy.
We were angry. We were two incredibly angry people.
Third Stage of Grief: Bargaining Stage
So the third stage of grieving is the bargaining stage. I definitely went through this, realizing that my marriage was over. I wanted the benefits of my x, and I been together for my daughter, so I bargain with myself. I asked myself, you know, can I live with this for this much longer Can I do this for my daughter, I did it with my ex as well I, you know, at one point told him Well, I know we don’t love each other, but we love Ella. So let’s do this for her. You know, and I use all these bargaining chips to kind of keep this marriage keep the idea of the marriage and the benefits of the marriage for my daughter, you know, I wonder how I’m family, and I wanted her to, to grow up feeling loved and safe and like the world wasn’t broken.
Fourth Stage of Grief: Depression
So the fourth stage is depression. You know, I went through counseling, I ended up using entity presence for the very first time in my life, and I made some terrible, terrible decisions throughout the whole stages of grief because it really did alter my personality and during that period of depression it took everything I’ve never experienced depression like that before, and it took all that I had to just, you know, be a normal person to be a functioning mother like and I mean I feel like women we have to give ourselves props for that this is totally weird. I can’t believe I’m crying, but I felt so guilty for so long because I remember crying in a video, so this is not. This is so weird. Um, I feel like that as a woman, you know, as women, we tend to carry a lot more, and as mothers, we tend to carry a lot more guilt and when it comes to my daughter.
All my biggest regrets during the screening process pertain to her, and how things affected her, I look back, and all I want to do is go back and just be this whole person so that I can take care of her and make her feel safe. And she saw me you know, break-in, she saw me break, and she saw me broken. And I think that added, you know, that added fear to her life. And I was impatient, and I was angry and not just the world but with her too, you know, and so this little tiny person that I love so much that all I’ve ever wanted to do is protect and cherish and raised to feel loved. You know, I inflicted some of this pain onto her. But you know, looking back and kind of working through that period on my own, I just want to say to other women who are going through that that we are not superhuman, you know, we are only human, and I was going through this process. And I was doing the best that I could. And I don’t think we should use that as an excuse. I think we have to set the bar high. And you know, as soon as we get that wake-up call and as soon as we feel the motivation to do something better too, you know, stay home and sleep instead of partying or to, you know, feed ourselves when we’re so stressed out, we don’t want to eat or to pass on ice cream, when, you know, we realize we’re eating our feelings then.
Then I feel like we have to listen to that, you know, because that is our mom’s instinct, and that is our female human instinct to be responsible for ourselves and how we affect the ones that we love, including our children, including our family, because I know not everyone has kids. Um, so anyway, so the very last stage.
Fifth Stage of Grief: Acceptance
The last stage of grief is acceptance. And, you know, that has been a really interesting stage for me. And I’m two years post-divorce, and I have a boyfriend now. I dated around for a while. I’ve only had one serious relationship since then because I realized that that was a huge responsibility to date with children, and I didn’t know what to kind of a mess about too much. But it’s crazy, and it’s difficult to get there. And even this holiday season, you know, it’s January. And this holiday season. This was my second year where Ella was my daughter was experiencing the holiday season with divorced parents, and this year was so difficult that I want to compare it to the year before, so the year before was mind-numbing, mind-blowing. I mean, it’s the year one it’s like your raw you’re like walking around. Like, with no skin on year two, it’s like you’re just getting stabbed with knives. So it’s less difficult. Arriving in a place where I was okay with this new life and where I was managing it, and succeeding in it seemed impossible. At a certain point, you know, for me, I’ve always been freelance and have become insane. And it took me a year to figure out how to get back to doing what I love and to figure out a way to, you know, be a good mom and be able to work. And so I just want to tell all of you ladies out there who are going through this process, you’ll get there and you’ll get to the other side, I promise. And a lot of people will tell you that it’s just going to take time and the truth of it is, that’s true. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be present in the crappy times because that’s actually kind of a part of it, like being present in the crappy times, allows you to arrive at the good times. Sooner, but for me that I would say the solid two years to feel that to feel hopeful again and to feel like a whole person, I feel like that is what acceptance has been like, in my mind, I’ve accepted it spiritually.
And just doesn’t have to do with the other person to I just want to say it has to do. For me, it had to do so much more with the idea and the dream of being married and having this relationship that could, you know, withstand anything and having a family and having this whole unit for my daughter. So anyway, um, that is kind of the end of my video, I just covered the five stages of grief, and how they pertain to me as a divorcee, what that process was like, I would love to get your guys’ feedback.
Tell me I love to hear from other people. I get emails and messages from people who tell me about their own experiences, or who have questions or who wish I had spoken more about something else. And I’m happy to do that. So please leave me your comments and suggestions below. Please like this video and share it with other people who are going through something similar that you think would benefit from it. Anyone who’s going through a divorce, who is going through a hard time and feels alone? Um, yeah, I really am so grateful for you guys. I’m thankful that you stayed and listened. And yeah. Oh, and I have to say, please subscribe to my channel. I’m not going to put any previous videos on here to link this up to because I definitely feel like this is this is my very first real talk for the channel. But yeah, you guys give me some feedback. And let me know if this is you know, the way that you would like to see more of my videos go and if you’d like to hear more from me on divorce.